I hate being bi-polar. I hate it a lot.
I try to let most people in my life know that i have some emotional issues, mostly because i know how scary it can be when i have a bad swing and i don't want people to freak out when i freak out.
This etsy thing is allowing me to do the thing i've wanted to do for years, the only thing i want to spend my life doing. when i'm in a low swing i can barely look at my craft table without feeling utterly hopeless about absolutely everything.
when i'm in a Manic swing i have so many ideas going through my head that it's hard to concentrate on what i am working on. I mean, that's why i like pot so much. It slows my brain down so i can actually understand what it is i'm thinking without struggling to keep up with those racing thoughts.
i want some treatment. i want to loose the racing thoughts, i want to lose the depression and hopelessness. lots of places say that those who are getting treated often miss their Manic episodes, but i tell you one thing i know for sure. I would LOVE to be normal. i would love to have an entire month or 2 or 12 go by where i don't cry for an hour and a half for no reason. when i don't feel the need to get high just so i can relax...
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4 comments:
I feel for you--with the whole bi-polar thing. We have a couple people in our family that have that, and it is really rough. ((hug))
I did want to make a comment though, about the pot. Believe me, I am not a prude. I have done my share --and them some --of the partying. Smoking pot may make you feel temporarily better with the bipolar thing, but it is going to make things a lot worse in the long run. Your body produces certain "feel good" chemicals naturally--pot actually simulates those chemicals, and if your body is getting them from the pot, it will stop making them for itself. See what I'm saying? So the down times will be more constant and the up times will become less often. You need some other kind of treatment. There are treatments that help your body to start producing the good chemicals so you are on a more even keel. There are things that work, and so work with your doctor to get on the right meds. Good luck and I'm sending up some prayers for you.
Smiles, Karen
thanks karen!
i know what you're saying about the pot, and i do want to quit! most definitely! it'd be wonderful to be without it. i suppose i am sort of addicted/dependant on it to clear my head when it's really full and i don't want it to spiral out of control. that's the last thing in the world i want.
i just have to get a doctor, get into a program, get meds, but most of all get insurance because i can't afford all that on my own :(
-sara
Oh man, don't get me started on health care! It is totally ridiculous that it has all gotten so effin expensive that people cannot get any kind of treatment unless they have health insurance. Do you have any free or partial-pay clinics in your area? Maybe you could look into that. I hope you can get some help--I'm pulling for you!
Smiles, Karen
i know, right? i just started a new job (see newest entry :P) and in 90 days we'll have health insurance. my boyfriend and i are also looking into medical studies where the therapy and meds are free. i'd be a sort of guinea pig, but it might be worth it!
sara
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