Weddings in the air

we just went back home to go to my parent's wedding reception. it was just a small group of family and friends, eating brunch. and my brother wrote a toast that made yvonne cry. aww...

makes me think about weddings... not that i'm getting married any time soon. Not even engaged yet. But i found out that my former best friend/cousin is engaged to her boyfriend, and i am terrified that she won't even invite me to the wedding/party/whatever she does to celebrate it. We haven't spoken in probably a year but not for lack of trying on my part. she doesn't care. she was my best friend and i still think about her all the time. Whenever i hear Extreem's More than Words i want to call her and put my phone up to the speaker and leave it on her voice mail.

I invited her to my birthday party in june. I had a bunch of friends come out to the bar and have some drinks. we played some pool and all. she said "we don't drink, so we're not coming"

wtf? so what? so you go to the bar, and get a coke, and play some pool and just generally say 'hi' to me because i haven't seen you in forever and i miss you and it's my freaking birthday! come to think of it, they didn't come to my birthday last year either.

I don't know if you can tell, but i'm a bit bitter about the fact that she just kinda dropped me like she did... all because she got a new boyfriend and no longer had time... i try to convince myself that a friend like that is one not worth having, but it's hard because we were so close.

and i think what horrifies me the most is the fact that when i eventually invite her to my wedding party she won't come. i already know it. her mom and my dad are brother and sister, and their parents, are the grandparents that she despises the most. in fact she hates most of our shared part of the family. I know she's not going to come because she won't want to deal with them and that just hurts.

*sigh*

I want to be treated!

I hate being bi-polar. I hate it a lot.

I try to let most people in my life know that i have some emotional issues, mostly because i know how scary it can be when i have a bad swing and i don't want people to freak out when i freak out.

This etsy thing is allowing me to do the thing i've wanted to do for years, the only thing i want to spend my life doing. when i'm in a low swing i can barely look at my craft table without feeling utterly hopeless about absolutely everything.

when i'm in a Manic swing i have so many ideas going through my head that it's hard to concentrate on what i am working on. I mean, that's why i like pot so much. It slows my brain down so i can actually understand what it is i'm thinking without struggling to keep up with those racing thoughts.

i want some treatment. i want to loose the racing thoughts, i want to lose the depression and hopelessness. lots of places say that those who are getting treated often miss their Manic episodes, but i tell you one thing i know for sure. I would LOVE to be normal. i would love to have an entire month or 2 or 12 go by where i don't cry for an hour and a half for no reason. when i don't feel the need to get high just so i can relax...

Remember When I Was Talking About Selling My Crafts??

no? well i did. go here: restlessyrandom.etsy.com

that is my shop on the wonderful community called Etsy.com.

so far i have only made one sale, but i am confident that i will sell much more.

buy something from me.

Do it!

now!

Voyager

how come the only time i have been happy or able to cope with the whole matt mess is while i was watching the Voyager Marathon that was going on on Spike?

the only way i could get him off of my mind is when the delta quadrant consumed all of my attention. when commercials came on i had a problem not crying, but once the show was back, boy was he gone.

and every time that i had to stop watching it for some reason or another (going out for shopping, or going to work here at the end of the week) i've gotten thoroughly pissed off and sad.

it's too bad i can't watch it until the end of time so i don't have to deal with the breakup, and i don't have to deal with the fact that i don't know what i'm gonna do when and if this is over for good. because i can't bear to think about that.

Why Quitting School Wasn't So Bad

so i did quit school. and it did feel good, but also bad because i just feel like a failure.

but then yesterday i was at work and one of the operators asked me for something and while i was writing stuff down for her she asked me how school was going. i had told her some of the stuff and she knew that certian teachers were being certian body parts that really shouldn't be named.

so i said to her, in a kind of sheepish voice, "i kind of quit"

and she says "GOOD FOR YOU!!"

she really does talk in all caps. and u should hear her laugh. man oh man. that lady's crazy, and i can make her laugh for almost no reason at all.

anyway, she knew how hard it's been on me and i know she realizes that dropping out of school is not such a good thing but she also knew and recognized the fact that i don't need to put myself through that and congratulated me on the fact that i figured that out for myself.

and i was thinking about it today and i realized that i am not the type of person who gains experience and positions in jobs by going to school, i gain it by working and learning everything i can by working in that field and being promoted because i am so damn good at the job. this almost caused me to apply for a supervisor postion here at relay, but at this time there is a particular supervisor that i would not want to work with on a daily basis, and would rather only work with him one day a week. and i don't want to have to do his stuff and hear him bad mouth me because i never do anything for him. this is how he is. maybe when he leaves i'll apply, but for right now i'm taking it easy.

my days off are filled with chores and video games and television. that feels good to not have to stress myself out and go crazy trying to complete assignments that i may or may not get passing grades on and it has no connection with how hard i work on the assignment. i mean hello?? i used to get better grades when i did my assignments drunk.

that don't make no sense.

what is a 10 letter word for 'Sky high accessory'?

I truely believe that this is the most beautiful thing in the night sky.

all of my life i have wanted to be an astronomer, and i gave up that dream when i was a senior in high school because i was taking physics and trig at the same time. so when in physics we were using trig rules, i had not yet learned them.

also i failed chemistry, but anyone who didn't understand chemistry to begin with and then had my chem teacher, would had failed. i think i'd understand it now.

so that's my plan for now. when i graduate from my silly online school i'm going to call up MATC and say 'put me in the lowest possible math class u have' then i can relearn all the stuff i have forgotten since high school. i have always loved math, and actually trig was my favorite subject of all time... but ms boynton probably made that so... either way, once i get back into math i'm sure i can pick it back up like i never forgot it.

and very slowly i'll move through math and science. if i still don't understand physics, even with a renewed sense of trig, and if i still don't understand chemistry, even with someone teaching it other than mr... (i can't remember his name. ha!! that's funny!) then i'll definitely give up being an astronomer for good. and that won't hurt as much as giving it up without even trying like i did last time....

but for now, i'm re-awakening my longtime dream to be an astronomer.
fuck business... business sucks.

making stuff

i need a crew.

i need a bunch of people and a bunch of supplies and just come home at night and draw out my idea and explain it to the bunch of people and let the bunch of people create what i designed.

because every day i'm like "hey what if i made a mosaic of a dog?" the thing is, i don't have all the supplies i need to do it and i am currently in the middle of um... 4? 5? projects. not because i can't finish, but because i have other things to do... and when i have more time to create - i already have a new idea that i want to work on instead. i mean right now i have a suit, 2 sweat shirts, a train clock, a plate, and a plain shirt all in my head just waiting to be created. how annoying is that?

maybe i should just be a designer, not open a store, because i would never be able to keep it all stocked up.

but making is the fun. not the designing...

Restlessly Random

i have all these thoughts about these projects that i can do. from the train clock for my dad, and the afghan for my step-mom... and things made out of things... and stuff.

and now i realize that that sounds very vauge like i don t know what's actually going on, but truley. there's so much, and i would love to make and sell this stuff.

but the hard part is - small business is fucked (that guy on weeds told me so). but could i really start up an ebay business which i've been thinking about for the past few months. get a whole bunch of... something. like if i enjoy mosaics as much as i think i will once i do it... get a whole ton of supplies together and make 10 or 12 pieces and figure out a price and then set up a sellers acct on ebay. if nothing sells, maybe try something else. if stuff does sell, definately do other stuff that people would like.

i wanna screen print t-shirts. i could sell my "plane" t-shirts. something that most people think is pretty cool once i explain it... but still pretty cool anyway.

i want to do it. but can i?